Pregnant Wife At a Loss When Husband Says He ‘Promised’ to Name His First Daughter After His Late Wife: ‘I [can’t] put that burden on our unborn daughter'

Author image for Elna McHilderson
Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Aug 26, 2024 7:00 PM EDT

"I somewhat feel like a 'rebound' and although I can't victimize myself in this situation, the way he insisted on naming our daughter made me feel inferior..."

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  • The loss of a spouse is one of the most tragic experiences anybody can go through. Losing someone you love with all of your heart and that you saw growing old with is truly an inexplicable heartbreak. That kind of tragedy can rewire someone's brain. But at what point is honoring your lost love going “too far.”

    A woman recently married a widowed man. They adore each other and she knows all about his past love and she too feels like she needs to honor her. However, since becoming pregnant with their first child, she has felt a little taken advantage of. Why? Because the husband has revealed to her that he promised his late wife that he would name his first daughter after her. Now, his current wife feels like the “rebound” wife. She also feels like it is unfair to put that kind of pressure on their unborn child. She currently has just told him she would think about it, but she really really does not want to name their child after his late wife. She has turned to Reddit for advice. What would you do in this situation? Read the entire lowdown below.

  • 01
    "It feels like after all these years, he'd still choose This late wife over me..."
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  • 02
    AITA for refusing to name my daughter after my husband's dead wife? I (39f) have been married to my husband (45M) for 3 years now. It's an extremely healthy relationship and I couldn't wish for anything more. He was previously married at 35 for a year and a half before his wife sadly passed away of severe hypoxia from pulmonary edema. They were dating for over 4 years and according to the way he talks about her, they were straight out of a fairy-tale.
    via FickleTime4717
  • 03
    His late-wife was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy a year into their marriage and was given medication to manage her symptoms, however she was always expecting her death even though doctors have assured her she could lead on a normal life. However she was later again diagnosed with pulmonary edema, which where she started to prepare herself for death. She assured my husband that he could marry later on and she'd want him to lead on a normal life. She however requested if she could be named after a
    via FickleTime4717
  • 04
    Before we got married, my husband of course let me know all of the above however he failed to mention his late wife's request. I deeply empathized with him and I was there whenever he needed support. Anyhow, I'm currently pregnant with our first child and we're both over the moon. When we came to decide for baby names for our daughter, he stood firm on naming her on his late wife. As much as it was expected, I refused, I told him I couldn't put that burden on our unborn daughter as to him she'll
    via FickleTime4717
  • 05
    Now I haven't given him a response, I haven't told him how I felt about it. I just told him we'll see as it's still early to decide. I genuinely can't help but feel hurt as it feels like after all these years, he'd still choose his late wife over me. I somewhat feel as a "rebound" and all though I can't victimise myself in this situation however the way he insisted on naming our daughter made me feel inferior. I also just can't let him pay tribute like that as our daughter will always feel like
    via FickleTime4717
  • 06
    photosbeersandteach 14h ago NTA. You can't make a pact on someone else's behalf. He knew when making the promise to his wife, that any daughter would have another parent, who also would have to agree to the daughter's name. Sounds like he needs some counseling to deal with the unresolved grief having a daughter is bringing up for him. No rational person would think this was a fair or reasonable request. 6.8K Reply
    via photosbeersandteach
  • 07
    Primary_Afternoon_46 14h ago • You're in the clear if it has to be a daughter he gives birth to! 3.2K Reply
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  • 08
    gastropod43 • 14h ago NTA Your daughter deserves her own identity. 2.1K Reply
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  • 09
    ChakraMama318. 14h ago Here's what I would say: "I am not a replacement or a rebound, and while you may have made this agreement with her, you did not make it with ME. I was not part of that discussion and I never would have agreed to have a child with you if you were going to prioritize that agreement over our relationship.
    via ChakraMama318
  • 10
    Additionally, our child will not be named after or raised in the shadow of your previous wife. I respect that you always love her in some respect, but our daughter deserves better than to grow up in someone else's shadow." 1.6K Reply
    via ChakraMama318
  • 11
    Winternin 14h ago • NTA. What an utterly absurd request from his late wife. He's the AH here. It's completely unfair to you. 2.9K Reply
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  • 12
    throwaway444441111 • 14h ago NTA he's treating you as a - surrogate for his late wife. You're growing the child that is biologically half of you. Why the shouldn't you get a say in the name? 1.2K Reply
    via throwaway444441111
  • 13
    whatsmypassword73 15h ago • Oh he knew exactly what he was doing, he didn't mention it beforehand because he knew it was an outrageous request. I would not stand my child under that shadow. It's non negotiable, I would leave him before I would allow it. At this point even if I had a so, I would never see him the same again. 845 Reply ...
    via whatsmypassword73
  • 14
    whatsmypassword73 15h ago • Oh he knew exactly what he was doing, he didn't mention it beforehand because he knew it was an outrageous request. I would not stand my child under that shadow. It's non negotiable, I would leave him before I would allow it. At this point even if I had a so, I would never see him the same again. 845 Reply ...
    via Recent-Necessary-362
  • 15
    TarzanKitty 15h ago NTA • When he gives birth to a daughter. He can name her after another partner. 338 Reply
    via TarzanKitty
  • 16
    OOK GeneralGroid 15h ago • No. You should not go along with this. Foremost- she has nothing to do with your family. She is not a descendant nor is she the reason you met or the reason you're pregnant. #2- The fact that he sprung this information on you is totally suspect. Why would he hold onto it for so long? And is it even true? 238 Reply •••
    via GeneralGroid
  • 17
    StayPetty1294 • 15h ago You are not a replacement. If he's so obsessed, you can raise your baby, and her can go adopt one to play with the memory of his dead wife. The answer is noo000000. You are not the AH. We will all look away, you slap him with a slipper. 204 Reply
    via StayPetty1294
  • 18
    Raven Rose- • 15h ago . NTA. This is your child. The name needs to be something you both agree on. If the pact was so important to him, he should have made it clear prior to marrying and having children with you. 159 Reply
    via RavenRose-
  • 19
    Strict-Material7983 14h ago Ultimatum time. Nta. A pact he made in duress to his dead wife or his current wife and unborn daughter. Ask him point blank. Did you marry me for any resemblance so the child would be reminiscent of your first wife. He never told you about a very, very critical piece of information regarding any daughter or, frankly, any child really you two might have had. That's a marriage buster piece of information.
    via Strict-Material7983
  • 20
    He likely knew it would be a deal breaker if he ever told any future partners, so he lied by omission. Using you as a surrogate for his fairytale dead wife is enraging for me to witness. Placing a name with such a shadow on the child will cause an undue comparison that will impact her for life. and not in an acceptable way. He would always make some comparison or remark even unconsciously about her every time, and frankly, that's just no, you don't do that to your current wife and child. 144 Rep
    via Strict-Material7983
  • 21
    PhDPlease13 14h ago • NTA while I understand he wants to honor his late wife, he's making you feel like second fiddle. Do you really want to be reminded of his late wife every single time you refer to your daughter? 145 Reply
    via PhDPlease13

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aita marital problems marriage remarrying baby names daughter names wife motherhood daughters parenting husband widow marriage advice newborn Reddit late wife
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